Changing How I Think About Myself

reachingrecovery:

it amazes me how i go back and forth from wanting recovery with all my heart and not giving a damn about anything but losing weight at LEAST twenty times a day.

I have been really working on portions. I think I was doing okay for a while, but I am afraid that I have pushed myself too far and am restricting. It’s just so frustrating because I literally cannot tell what is healthy and what is not. I think I need to eat more, but for some reason food isn’t appealing? It needs to be, I am light-headed, disoriented, and headachey. I tried to convince myself that it was a migraine, but I know these signs. I am not treating my body like I should. I need to feed it more and give it nutrients. I was just feeling so huge and those thoughts are persisting and dominating the thoughts that are telling me to be healthy. I think I am also stressing a little bit because my boyfriend is coming to visit for our 1 year and I hate that he is so good and healthy and has completely transformed his body over a few years and maintains his health, and I am just sitting here all fat and a failure. 

I will try harder to eat better and the correct amount, but I have been trying to eat better and the correct amount for the past 5 years and I am either fat or skinny and always disordered. I just feel really hopeless right now.

I don’t know why I can’t control myself. I can’t portion properly. I can’t control my eating. Where is my moderation?

I just feel so fat right now. So, so fat. I don’t even know how to explain it besides that. I feel too fat to go outside. Too fat to put clothes on. Too fat to go to the gym. Too fat to eat. I may just have to go back to bed and give up on today.

I feel like such a failure.

There is still time to change today, and work out and do school work and be happy, but it is not going to happen right now at this exact moment. 

So this whole recovery thing I was doing so well with? I have been pretty off track, but thought that I was just having anxiety for feeling accountable for all the comfort food mini binges and eating out, I did not realize the emotions I had been hiding. 

This post may contain a bit of TMI and may be triggering to some people, but…

For Memorial Day I visited my long-distance boyfriend. Sex was fine until I was on top, and then I had a complete breakdown. I started bawling in the middle of sex and rolled off and wouldn’t let him touch me and made him so stressed that he started crying. He knows that “I am recovering from an eating disorder,” but this is the first time he has seen it. He is going through a lot of other stuff right now and I know I really freaked him out. We have been together for almost a year, but because we only see each other about once a month, and I have been relatively stable, it has been okay. I just felt so big. I felt blubbery and gross and jiggly. I had a panic attack imagining how absolutely hideous and fat I looked. I had images in my head of me smushing him with all my weight. I have gained about 4 pounds since the last time I saw him, and this isn’t the heaviest he has seen me naked, but I can’t even explain how gross I am. I just want to be thin and pretty and beautiful for him. I want him to think that I am sexy, instead of the girl he has to have sex with because he likes my personality.

I need recovery. I will get recovery. Hopefully, he will still be there with me. It was just a really big wake-up call for me. I thought I was okay. I was at least doing okay pretending to be okay. 

I have lost my way in a journey towards health. I am trying to find that path again, but I feel like every time I even think about this tumblr I feel like a failure.

I don’t have to be thin to be happy, but I do want to be able to have control. Not the destructive obsessive patterns I fall into, but real healthy control to make good decisions and not let poor impulses dictate how I feel about myself.

I am hoping that healthy weight loss will remotivate me soon, but as for now I need to deal with other stressors in my life.

Tracked my calories. One day I went over 5,000. Shitty shitty week. Binged on every feeling of stress. I want to cry. But this is a setback, I am not going to give up or stop trying. Health is more than a 6 pound difference.

SW: 239

CW: 226

GW: 185