reachingrecovery:

it amazes me how i go back and forth from wanting recovery with all my heart and not giving a damn about anything but losing weight at LEAST twenty times a day.

I have been really working on portions. I think I was doing okay for a while, but I am afraid that I have pushed myself too far and am restricting. It’s just so frustrating because I literally cannot tell what is healthy and what is not. I think I need to eat more, but for some reason food isn’t appealing? It needs to be, I am light-headed, disoriented, and headachey. I tried to convince myself that it was a migraine, but I know these signs. I am not treating my body like I should. I need to feed it more and give it nutrients. I was just feeling so huge and those thoughts are persisting and dominating the thoughts that are telling me to be healthy. I think I am also stressing a little bit because my boyfriend is coming to visit for our 1 year and I hate that he is so good and healthy and has completely transformed his body over a few years and maintains his health, and I am just sitting here all fat and a failure. 

I will try harder to eat better and the correct amount, but I have been trying to eat better and the correct amount for the past 5 years and I am either fat or skinny and always disordered. I just feel really hopeless right now.

I don’t know why I can’t control myself. I can’t portion properly. I can’t control my eating. Where is my moderation?

I just feel so fat right now. So, so fat. I don’t even know how to explain it besides that. I feel too fat to go outside. Too fat to put clothes on. Too fat to go to the gym. Too fat to eat. I may just have to go back to bed and give up on today.

I feel like such a failure.

There is still time to change today, and work out and do school work and be happy, but it is not going to happen right now at this exact moment.